


I've Lost My Head

by bringmebellarke



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Gen, Guilt, Multi, Post Praimfaya, Post-Season/Series 04, bellamy mcfreaking loses it in space, bellarke drabble, slight trigger warning for blood/self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-28
Updated: 2017-09-28
Packaged: 2019-01-06 15:09:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12213363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bringmebellarke/pseuds/bringmebellarke
Summary: Those were the worst nights early on, when even just a fleeting thought of her was too much and he’d shatter. It would devastate him all over again and the thought of floating himself would creep up, but he couldn’t so he’d try to lose her in moonshine. But there was no forgetting Clarke Griffin.AKA Bellamy losing his mind on the Ark after Praimfaya. Guest starring the Space Squad.





	I've Lost My Head

**Author's Note:**

> First attempt at a Bellarke drabble. These losers own my ass and I love pain/suffering when it comes to these two. so here we go. Title inspired by Lost My Head by the 1975.

Bellamy’s fingers twitched, his hand aching to reach out for her as Raven crushed her in their embrace. Their eyes met over Raven’s shoulder and the sapphire of her eyes tore through his soul like ice. The hot blood rushing down his forehead from hitting his head upon landing felt like lava, but he was frozen to the ground watching her. As she let go of Raven, smiled at Monty, and ruffled Murphy’s hair. She isn’t real, she isn’t real, he thought. I’ve dreamt her enough to know she’s not here. They’d landed a day ago on a spot of green and now she was here, tearing up the grave Bellamy had carefully dug for her in his mind long ago. He flashed back to the Ark. 

All those years wondering what it’d be like to see her one more time, all the apologies he recited to a ghost at night when he couldn’t sleep up in space. He flushed as he forced himself to stare at the ground, remembering how Murphy and Echo had peeled him off the floor more than once, finding him sobbing like a child reeking of Monty’s moonshine. Those were the worst nights early on, when even just a fleeting thought of her was too much and he’d shatter. It would devastate him all over again and the thought of floating himself would creep up, but he couldn’t so he’d try to lose her in moonshine. But there was no forgetting Clarke Griffin.

He heard worried whispers cut off when he entered the mess hall one morning, unshaven and bruises under his eyes, but managed to hear how they compared him to Jasper. It stung, so Bellamy quit drinking after that, and he turned to sleep. But she haunted him there, her blonde hair trailing after her as he chased her laughter in the woods. He’d wake in cold sweats to Monty practically forcing algae down his throat. And when Raven confronted him about his 16-hour sleep cycles, he knew that wouldn’t work either. 

So he woke up one day and moved all the furniture out of an office and threw down some old mats he’d scrounged up. With Raven’s help, they fashioned a punching bag to hang and piece by piece, Bellamy turned it into a gym. He invited the others, but no one joined him at first. Mainly because he’d resort to punching the walls after he’d lose interest in the bag. It usually ended with him in a sweating, crumpled ball on the floor, his blood splattering the wall. As much as he felt exhilarated and free by working out, the crash was much worse. Monty bandaged up his hands the first few times but later told him in a soft and breaking whisper that she would never want him doing this. For a moment, Bellamy clenched his fists with rage and almost threw one of his best friends against the wall. But it was also the first time anyone had brought her up for months and he felt a relief. Like she wasn’t some horrible hallucination of his mind that was driving him to psychosis. That night, while Bellamy was re-reading one of his few books, Echo came in quietly and dropped a pair of handmade boxing gloves on his bed, leaving without a word. 

After that, Harper showed up smiling and claimed she was rusty, so they settled easily into their old guard training routines. There wasn’t much talking, but she’d egg him on with light banter as they swung at each other and he found himself cracking the smallest smiles since everything had happened. Harper even made him laugh once as she told him the story of Murphy and Monty tripping each other over a small candy they’d found in a desk that turned out to be rotten. But she never brought up Clarke, which he was grateful for. He finally started to notice his friends again. How Raven and Echo had grown closer, but Harper and Monty drifted apart. That Murphy had circles under his eyes from helping Raven around the clock to keep the Ark up and running. 

Slowly, he tried to rejoin the group. The first night he sat down at the mess table, everyone froze and stared at each other, awaiting an outburst or shutdown. Murphy cleared his throat and prompted Emori to continue her story of outrunning three scavengers. He soon learned they told stories at dinner to pass the time, sometimes while Monty and Raven played chess. Bellamy usually just listened quietly and after a particularly good training day with Monty, he cleared his throat and told in a quiet voice the Greek story of Creation, how Chaos brought about Gaea, the earth. He watched Raven’s smile grow slowly as she gave a Harper a look and felt his cheeks burn. But he fell comfortably into the legend and when he was done, it was silent. Raven said, “It’s good to have you back, Bellamy.” As he looked back down at his dinner and other conversations picked up, he realized he hadn’t thought about her at all today. It pained him for a moment, then he knew she’d been there with them no matter what. And with a little hope, maybe, just maybe, they would meet again someday.

**Author's Note:**

> Tear this apart or let me know what you'd like to see next. Better yet, come find me @ bring-me-bellarke.tumblr.com.


End file.
